I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
