Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
