I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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