singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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