I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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