I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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