I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
