i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
