omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
