Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
