She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
