Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
