There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
