I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
