She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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