The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
