I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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