My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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