I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
