who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
