What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.