the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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