We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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