kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
