Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
