he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
