Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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