Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
