don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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