I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
