So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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