Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
