i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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