Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
