I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need water and some morals
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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