3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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