You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
