Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
