My sheets look like a crime scene.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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