i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
