Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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