They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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