my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
