She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
