I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
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You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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