the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
