It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
