in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He has the fingertips of a God
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
