I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.