Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
