o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
