I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
