i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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