So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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