here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
