I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
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The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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