y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
