i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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