my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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