And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm like, not good at living.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
