They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
