I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
