Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
