I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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