I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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